A Mother's Love
by ejzah
Summary: "You saw how she was when I got arrested and I wasn't even hurt then; Mama Deeks does not do stress well."


A/N: So here's another thing I've been working on for a while, probably since Mama Deeks showed up and the question of 'where the heck has she been?' came up. I've been letting it languish for far too long but figured I'd post it now since I've seen a lot more talk about this issue. Most of this was written prior to the release of 'Ghost Gun's' sneak peeks.

I place probably a couple months or so after Roberta Deeks' first appearance but I figure it can really fit in any time after that.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but some very comfy pants from American Eagle.

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A Mother's Love

Kensi let out a little hum of contentment, shifting closer to the man beside her so that their bodies where pressed even more tightly together. Deeks continued to draw little circles over the bare skin of her hip. She lifted her head from the cozy burrow created by her pillow in order to get a better look at her boyfriend's face which was currently half smooshed into his own scrunched up pillow.

"Hey, Deeks." She started hesitantly.

"Hmm?" He responded lazily, not bothering to lift his head. Moving with more caution than she had in over a year, she slowly raised one hand, brought it to his newly mussed hair and ran her fingers through the soft curls. Her stomach tightened unexpectedly with a renewed wave of desire and she briefly considered forgoing her present line of thought in favor of sliding up his incredibly warm body to pick up where they'd left off a few minutes ago. It would be incredibly satisfying she knew, as it always was, but she also knew that she'd regret not saying what was on her mind.

"So, there's something I wanted to ask you about you mom for a while now." Deeks' fingers instantly stilled on her back and he lifted his head up, his hair falling into his eyes in a way that she always found ridiculously sexy. He looked at her for a long moment, his expression inscrutable and then drawled,

"Well, that doesn't sound good." Kensi edged even closer, as though there were any way he could escape in their current position, and trailed her fingers down his arm until she reached his hand. Linking their fingers together, she cupped his cheek with her other hand.

"Don't worry, it's not bad." She assured him.

"Why does that worry me even more?" He joked, but Kensi could feel the tension still running through his body. "Alright, hit me with it." He said, sucking in a quick breath and squaring his shoulders as he turned to face her fully.

"Ok, you need to calm down, baby. It's not that serious."

"Then why are you so nervous?" Deeks countered softly. His tension was quickly shifting to concern and she could tell that he would start freaking out soon if she didn't say something.

"It's just something we don't talk about much…or at all, so I wasn't sure how to bring it up." Deeks frowned. "I mean for years I didn't even know she was in your life and then a couple years ago you told me you were going to see her for a long weekend…why didn't we know, why didn't I know anything about her until then?" Deeks blew out another short breath.

"We had some issues for a while." He said evasively.

"What kind of issues kept you from listing her as your next of kin?" Kensi asked, the words coming out more harshly than she intended. Deeks tensed against her again. "Roberta is awesome and I think anybody within a mile can tell she loves you more than anything. I know she would have wanted to be there." Deeks cocked his head, neither confirming nor denying her assumption.

"That wasn't the problem." He muttered into Kensi's hair, now refusing to meet her eyes. She allowed him the moment to gather his thoughts before lifting his chin to meet his gaze.

"Then what was, Deeks?"

"Mom…she hasn't always made the best decisions. When I was little and my dad first started hurting her–" He coughed harshly before speaking again. "Mom didn't want to leave him because she stilled loved him and then when it got really bad she was too scared to leave. She was terrified he'd just find her again and it would be worse or that she wouldn't be able to take care of me. I don't blame her; it seemed like a lose–lose situation at the time." Kensi listened quietly, not questioning the direction he was headed even though she wasn't quite sure how it connected to her original question.

"When I shot him, that day, she wouldn't let me go. The cops kept telling her they needed to talk to me and they wanted to take both of us to the hospital but she never let go. I think the only reason she let them take me was because she kept passing out. She ended up spending a couple days in the hospital so she wasn't there when they put me in juvie but I know she was a mess. I think if she'd had more strength she might have killed somebody just to get me out." Some of the tension had left his body although it seemed as if it had all flowed straight into Kensi, who was now stiffly clutching Deeks to her, her fingers tightening around his biceps at the mention of juvie. He'd never told her how long he'd spent there or shared any specific details but the idea of eleven year old Deeks being locked up made her sick.

"So what happened when you…?" She couldn't make herself finish the question, but picked up where he'd left off, a knowing look in his eye.

"A couple weeks later I was out, mom was doing better and dad was in prison. We realized pretty quickly that we had to figure out where we were gonna live since we couldn't afford the house and mom just about drove herself crazy looking for a full-time job that would let her be home enough to take care of a kid. At first it was great because we didn't have to be afraid of dad anymore but then I realized after a few months that mom was different. She'd always been protective, but this was different."

"I always got the sense you were one of those kids who couldn't be contained, always running around getting into things you weren't supposed to, scraping your knees." Deeks grinned slightly at Kensi's teasing, pausing to drop a kiss on her forehead.

"Except for the scraped knees part, you're not too far off. I was an extremely graceful child, never fell down once."

"Uh-huh, graceful. I met Ray, I can only imagine the kind of trouble you guys caused."

"Most the time she handled all that. I mean she didn't like it but as long as we weren't getting arrested she let us do whatever we wanted. I got grounded a few times for doing really stupid stuff."

"And what constitutes 'really stupid' in teenage Marty Deeks' world?" Kensi questioned. Deeks gave her a sly grin before replying.

"Stealing one of the jock's girlfriends for the Homecoming dance and then getting into a fight with him and three of his friends in the parking lot."

"I should have known a girl was involved." Kensi remarked with a role of her eyes.

"He called her a slut." Deeks offered lightly. "Anyway Mom usually got mad about little things like if I didn't drink my milk or didn't wear shoes outside, the first time I entered a surfing competition. We talked about safe sex and condoms about ten times by the time I was fourteen."

"She was trying to make up for all the times your dad hurt you and she couldn't protect you." Kensi summed up and Deeks shrugged.

"It drove me crazy sometimes but once I figured out what was going on, I couldn't be mad at her. By the way, if we ever have a son and it happens to be his first day of high school please do not put a box of pre-lubricated condoms in his lunch without telling him first."

"Noted." Kensi said, fighting back the urge to delve into that particular story. She knew Deeks would much rather share an embarrassing anecdote or two than explain his difficulties with his mom. "So what changed?" Anticipating a resurgence in tension, Kensi let her hand migrate back to his hair and began methodically combing her fingers from the top to the slightly curled ends.

"I decided to join the LAPD." Deeks sighed heavily. "When I told her she was so mad. I don't think I'd ever heard her scream so loud. She didn't talk to me for days after that."

"But your mom seemed so–?" Kensi protested.

"She said it was selfish to throw my life away like that after all we'd been through and after what we'd escaped. She'd worked hard to make sure I didn't end up on the streets or become a criminal and now I was repaying her by getting myself killed."

"Oh, Deeks." Kensi murmured, unable to find anything appropriate to say in this moment. She'd seen Roberta Deeks upset before but she found it nearly impossible to imagine her yelling at her beloved son.

"We didn't see each other much after that. I called every so often but a lot of times it was just easier not to. At least that way I could pretend I wasn't breaking her heart every day." Deeks gave her a brittle smile that didn't quite manage to hide the pain lurking in the back of his eyes.

"Deeks, you know no matter how upset she was with you, she would have come when you got shot. She loves you too much not to." He shoved a hand through his hair, dislodging Kensi's fingers, and made a frustrated noise.

"That's why I didn't put her name down as my next of kin. I knew she would come and I knew what it would do to her. You saw how she was when I got arrested and I wasn't even hurt then; Mama Deeks does not do stress well. If she saw me in the hospital she would have had a stroke."

"Deeks you can't protect her from everything forever any more than she could keep you wrapped up in bubble wrap for the rest of your life." Kensi protested.

"I got beat up in college once and she had heart palpitations and then tried to make me drop out." Deeks retorted.

"Ok, you're going to have to tell me that story sometime. What exactly does a law student do to get beat up? Oh, wait it's you, forget I said anything." Her teasing was half-hearted at best but it did its job, eliciting the tiniest of smirks from Deeks. Suddenly her heart felt tight and achy at the slight quirk of lips and though if asked, she'd blame it on one too many slices of pizza, deep down she knew it was because she'd rather die than see this man in pain.

"When she asked me not to join the force, I told her no and she just left. Didn't say anything, just walked out, got in her car and left. I don't think we talked for, god, almost a year. And then one day she showed up at my apartment out of the blue with a coffee cake and a hug and we were ok for a while."

"For a while?" Deeks fidgeted with the quilt at Kensi's probing question.

"It was a few months later that I was asked to go undercover. Since it was my first time I had a couple weeks to prepare and I knew that I should tell mom, but I wanted to delay the inevitable so I waited until a few days before and had her come over for dinner. The minute she walked through the door she knew something was up and called me on it. When I told her she didn't even give me a chance to explain before she started freaking out and I snapped. I raised my voice and that's when everything kind of imploded. Mom just stood there for a minute but then she screamed back and I said some things I didn't mean and it got…ugly."

"And I didn't even care at first, I was so mad. I let that anger me carry that me through my first undercover stint. And the next time I ended up in the hospital I was actually glad that I had an excuse not to call her. Believe me, I know it was incredibly selfish but I was sick of having to be careful and as long as mom wasn't talking to me, I didn't have to worry that she'd kill herself stressing over me."

"How long were you two fighting?"

"On and off for about six, seven years." Kensi levered herself up onto one elbow, noting that Deeks' eyes didn't follow the sheet's slow descent to her waist.

"So what changed, why did you guys start talking again?" Deeks smiled softly.

"You."

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A/N: So this was supposed to be a one-shot before it got out of hand. Unless you think it can stand on its own, it will be two chapters. Let me know what you think and thanks for reading.


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